No One is Awake

For some reason, I'm having a lot of epiphanies when it comes to children. Like, these are things I knew ahead of time but the concepts didn't sink in. For instance, I realized a couple months ago that when you have children, you can never unhave children. You are a parent for the rest of your life and so for the rest of your life there will be at least one person you are constantly worrying about. You will never be able to go back to that person who was carefree and had no responsibilities. Even when your kids are at Grandma's house (and you trust your mom totally), you will still be thinking about them and worrying about them because that's what you do now. How did this not sink in earlier? My theory is because whenever I got tired of daydreaming I was a parent, I just went back to my daydreams of the single days, not realizing as a parent I wouldn't be able to do that.
My new epiphany came from babysitting a bunch of nights in a row. I've been going to bed earlier lately, thus these past couple jobs I've become tired and almost fallen asleep which is probably the worst thing you can do as a babysitter. The babysitter is there to dial 911. You can't dial 911 if you're asleep. I had a real problem with staying up late when I was younger and had actually fallen asleep with the kids to have the parents come home and wake me up. I am not kidding. So this lesson has really drilled into me.
Imagine my shock when I realized every night when the kids are asleep, the parents go to sleep too. No one is awake to dial 911 or be at the ready should a kid wake up in the night and go downstairs to get some water, standing on their step stool to fill their cup at the sink, slip, and hit their head on the floor/counter (I actually just came up with that whole scenario right this second). The parents, guardians, people who are supposed to be watching the kids are asleep! The kids are unsupervised!
My next thought? How do they do that?
I can just imagine me becoming a new parent with my new infant and having a doctor tell me to sleep when my baby sleeps. Sleep? How am I supposed to be prepared when something bad happens? What if I'm so exhausted I don't wake up to hear the baby gagging? What if the baby just stops breathing and I'm right next to the kid on the couch sleeping as my baby chokes for air?! Sleep?? You want me to sleep?! Is there someone else taking over my shift?!
This new epiphany just furthers my new resolve to not have kids for a very, very long time.
Seriously, how do you guys do that?

Reading about SEO

The book I bought on the basics of SEO finally came in, but I'm still waiting on the book on hold at the library. I'm about a quarter of the way through and it isn't so bad. I'm learning a few things about HTML which is interesting and unexpected. Also, I'm learning the reasons behind all of the blogging rules my aunt gave me when I wrote my first blog post for the company. I'm so glad I decided to wait to apply for the social media jobs until after I received this book because I would have looked like a complete fool in an interview. There's so much I didn't know or, worse, thought I understood and misunderstood. I've already learned a number of things I'm going to put into practice.
Oh, I'm still working for TripRental.com, by the way. I just have student loans coming in and need a paying job now in order to pay the upcoming bills. I'm looking for a job in social media so I can learn more about the field and be able to take anything I learn and apply it to what I'm doing for TripRental. There are certainly more jobs available in social media than in writing or editing so finding jobs hasn't been a problem. The problem came when reading over the requirements. Reading over them, I knew I had performed most of what the employers were looking for but I had no idea how to describe them in such a way that would make me appear like I knew what I was doing. Mostly because I didn't.
Basically, I like my job but I always felt like I was a chicken running around with its head cut off. Now I feel like I'm not so clueless and have some direction to take a strategy, once I create one. I'm also learning what a bunch of the terms mentioned in the job applications mean and can now explain myself in such a way I'd have confidence in an interview.
Gosh, I love being able to focus on just a job instead of a job plus papers, grades, and classes.

So you think DJs are cool?

It's 4am and I can't sleep so I came downstairs in hopes of tiring out my brain with internet surfing (It seems to work in the middle of the day). I happened across this article on MSN titled "So you think DJs are cool?" It's the tiniest little article about "posing" DJs who I guess people are hiring and finding not to be as good as they expected.
Before even reading the article I knew it was going to be about the DJs that play music in clubs, raves, parties, etc. and a thought crossed my mind. For those of you who don't know, my dad is a DJ and has been for many years. When I was a kid, I would usually use this tidbit of information to answer the "something unique about you" question teachers liked to ask in questionnaires or as ice-breakers at the beginning of the school year (I'd either use that or say I have twin younger sisters. Apparently I couldn't think of anything actually unique about me). Almost as soon as I answered, someone would immediately ask "Oh, what radio station is he on?"
What I'm saying is, there seems to have been a shift at some point where people stopped most associating DJs with the radio hosts and started associating them with the people in charge of the music at parties like my dad. As I'm writing this, I'm starting to remember there was a time somewhere in the middle when DJs were known for riffing records (or perhaps that's still how they're perceived for many people). It's interesting how our perception of certain jobs seem to change over time even if the job itself hasn't changed at all. As I mentioned before, my dad is a DJ and he's been in charge of music at parties for over 20 years. In fact, he did my eighth grade dance kind of as a favor to my school (I'm assuming it was discounted because I know he did the music one night for Budweiser during the 1996 Olympics and there's no way a public middle school could afford that. Granted, it was a smaller party with less equipment needed... I digress).
I can' think of any other jobs that have had the general perception of their work change so much, can you?

Healthy Living

This all started with a physical I had to go to in order to continue receiving my anxiety meds. I mentioned my stomach issues and she decided I should try going without dairy for a week. So I didn't do it last week because I still had milk left over (that and I was craving cereal like socialite craves attention). However, I started it yesterday and I've already had some realizations.
For one, most products that typically have dairy in them that are sold without dairy tend to also be missing gluten, making it difficult for me to figure out whether it's the gluten or the dairy. I'm purposely eating my regular pasta instead of the gluten free pasta I bought to see how things go. I actually found chocolate cookies without dairy or gluten in them. They aren't half bad either. I also found lactose-free yogurt that is also missing gluten. The yogurt tastes just like yogurt, meaning I'm reluctantly drinking it down. I also found dairy and gluten free milk chocolate. They used rice milk. I also had it and it wasn't bad either. I'm seriously starting to believe I might be okay if this is the solution because I felt like I was given a death sentence at first.
Still, there's the problem of whether or not it's the gluten or the dairy.
In other news, I'm seeing a chiropractor that's more like a physical therapist for my hips. When we found out I still had health insurance my aunt suggested I see a chiropractor about my hips. She has clearly figured me out because she suggested we go then and actually took the dogs with us and sat there while I filled out the paperwork. If that had been left up to me, I probably would have taken a couple weeks because setting up a time to see a new doctor always makes me anxious. I've had two visits and I'm seeing him two more times this week and will continue to see him three times a week for twelve weeks. I also have two exercises I need to do everyday. The first one is probably the most difficult and uses my ab muscles which are non-existent. This works out pretty well though because I've been complaining about my stomach for forever and this way I don't have to think about what I'm going to do to solve it or research how to solve it- he tells me what to do and I do it. Simple. I like simple. The second one makes me feel like I'm working out in the 80's. It's that lift the leg exercise while you're laying sideways.
Apparently the whole problem is my gluteus medius and how it has no strength whatsoever. I mean, if you google that and look at the pictures or where it is, it's exactly where all my pain has been. So we're relaxing it, working it, and everything elsing it.
I also planned to start using that unlimited yoga classes for a month groupon today but I woke up late. They have a class called "Sunrise" that's from 6:30 to 7:30. I woke up around 6:30 so I just need to get myself to wake up a little before six, like I did in high school, and then I'll be able to go. The class is every weekday morning so it should be easier to follow than something that's once a week. Hopefully, I'll wake up early enough tomorrow.

Never be a Single Parent

I was going to make this a Facebook status but then I thought, what the heck, I'll make it a blog entry.
So I learned today that there's not way I could be a single parent. I babysat these twin girls all day yesterday and then again from 8:30 am to 12:30 pm today. I didn't have any major meltdowns. They listened fairly well. All-in-all it was a good experience. After yesterday I was exhausted. I actually would have gone to bed immediately but Aunt Joy wasn't home and I didn't want to shut my door on the dogs. Thus, I remained downstairs, waiting for her and eventually caught my second wind watching Numb3rs. Today, I walked across the street (they live right across the street), plopped my bag down, stole the blanket from my sleeping aunt and laid down on the couch. She asked if I would walk the dogs for her and I said no. I was totally exhausted. I probably fell asleep in less than a minute of her getting off the couch which was less than five minutes of when I returned. And today was a good day. Can you imagine how exhausted I would have been if I'd had a bad day? There's just no way. I need a relay partner to tap me out and take over.

Social Media is harder than I thought

So I've now been at my job, what, a week? Two weeks? And I've been learning the business of social media as I go. I've obviously been on Facebook for years but I've only used Pinterest for a year, LinkedIn for two, and Twitter I haven't used at all. Then there's blogging which I've technically been doing since middle/high school but didn't start caring about followers until college.
Now that it's my job to create buzz and interest, I'm starting to pay more attention and worry. I keep thinking "Am I doing a good job?" because people are liking our Facebook and Twitter page (and not all of them are my friends, thank you very much) so I'm doing something but is the improvement too slow? What's normal?
Thus, I've been doing searches looking for advice on how to do better. Some of the information is ridiculous- at least it is if you use Facebook regularly ("Create a page" and "Make Friends" are actual steps). There are things similarly said about Twitter. Then I came across this video and was introduced to "black hat marketing" tactics. Basically, you pay people to follow/like you. I actually thought at first "well, duh," thinking no wonder everyone has such high traffic. However, after looking at his twitter feed and then our competitors it doesn't seem like our competitors are doing that. I mentioned it to my aunt and she termed it for me and informed me we would not practicing like that. So I wonder how many people do? By the way, his twitter account has been suspended.
I also told her how we have a few more likes and followers than when I started and she seemed pleased. She made a point to say it's early, implying she wasn't expecting much.
A couple likes and a couple more followers in two weeks. That's not a bad start, right?

A Real Adult

Well, I'm having a lot of fun with my family here. It's ridiculously crowded though. Five people plus three dogs in a two bedroom place is just not ideal.
Anyway, I turned twenty-five a couple days ago. I still keep thinking I'm twenty-two or twenty-three. Like, I'm definitely older than twenty-one but not by much and here I am halfway through my twenties.
A quarter of a century old. That's what my sisters keep saying. I feel like my generation is growing up so late now from being coddled and lack of responsibility (or lack of maturity to take responsibility) that being twenty-five doesn't make me an adult. I don't know if this is just me but I feel like I won't be a real adult until I'm thirty. Then again, maybe I'll never feel like a real adult. I wonder if anyone does truly feel like an adult. They must not, otherwise they wouldn't feel so surprised to see a child grown up and say "Gosh, I feel so old now."
Even though my friends have children, I still can't see them as real adults. We're all just playing house or forever babysitting.
And I'm going to the zoo to take pictures of the animals.

It's Official!

I got a job! I'm so excited! I waited until after my first day to say anything because my interview wasn't a typical interview. It was almost like I had a job right when I walked in but no one actually said I had it.
So anyway, I'll be working for Triprental, a start-up company that was established in 2011. Basically, they're the hotels.com of vacation homes so instead of staying at a hotel, a person would stay at a home, cabin, condo, etc. The Co-Founder is great- he's smart, driven, and has a lot of business experience. I found out about the job through my aunt, who I'll be working under for the most part but right now I'm meeting with the Co-Founder for training. At first I thought I would just be doing social media stuff but I'll be helping with sales as well.
I am just so lucky.
By the way, if anyone wants to work in sales and earn a commission, he's looking for people. Actually, we really need people. There aren't enough.

Getting Ready

My hair is cut and gorgeous. I have the dress. I have the gown. Going to decorate my cap with a giant yellow 'X' for Cathy so she knows where I am during the whole thing.
One week from this Saturday I'll be walking at my college graduation. It doesn't feel real at all. I feel like I've just been on an extremely long hiatus. I don't think I even have friends anymore who will still be in college. Save for a couple friends getting their masters and my cousin and sisters. We are all seriously old.
But I don't feel old. I feel really young. Like, finishing college means the beginning of my life. This is probably because I have despised grades and schoolwork mixing in with my home and work life. It will be interesting to see how much of a difference real life will be from school life. How much of my work will seep into my off-hours time for myself? Will working feel like how it has been working for my other jobs (i.e. retail, daycare, etc.) or will it feel like an adult high school?
My aunt mentioned an opportunity recently that I said I would definitely be interested in. It has nothing to do with writing but the job sounds fun and interesting. Something completely different from what I've done in the past which, honestly, is more of what I've been looking for than probably anything else.
I have a ton of babysitting jobs lined up this month- mostly with the same family who I've only just started sitting for last week. So money is coming in, just in time too because student loans will be due soon.
Single life isn't bothering me as much as it used to either. I'm still lonely but not as much. Maybe it's just because I know my family is going to be in town for two weeks and I'll be seeing friends this Friday and next. The extra babysitting jobs taking my mind off stuff I assume helps as well. Whatever it is, I hope it sticks around, at least long enough for me to make some friends in the city.
So... Life is looking good.

Screw It

Screw making friends, the longer I live with my aunt, the more I'm against getting a dog once I can. I know I'll be more likely to meet people and make friends but I just don't think the barking to go out at 2am is worth it.
Of course, I was awake anyway. I have been having trouble sleeping. There are a million little reasons why this could be happening but I'm sure one of the reasons is that I'm taking two pills a day instead of three to conserve my anxiety medication. Aunt Joy said tomorrow (today) we can pass a CVS so I can pick up a refill.
I could also use a therapy appointment. I could try making one for next Saturday and miss a meet with Grandma. Especially since I know I'm going to be seeing her more often come the following weekend. That's when I'll finally be walking at my college graduation. With it coming so quickly now, I'm looking back on everything I did to get here and, honestly, I'm not too impressed. Sure, I managed to realize I didn't want the life I would have had with C.J., I orchestrated my move to Chicago on my own, but other than that? While at school I did more of the same half-ass work I've been known for, thanks to making excuses. I've been using my anxiety as an excuse instead of an explanation. I learned this while in China, why can't I follow it? I understand old, bad habits are hard to break but... some days I'm not sure I'm making the effort. It's also a lot harder to tell now that I'm out of school. My benchmark for these things have always been the amount of schoolwork I finish, and the quality. Now I'm dog-sitting and baby-sitting and, occasionally, writing.
I want to write. I'm just not putting in the effort. I could say it's because I'm watching the dogs and I hate to leave them alone and worry about what they're doing. Mom has recently offered for me to return home where I could focus on writing. It sounds fantastic except I can't write at home. I can't write at Aunt Joy's either- I always have to leave to write somewhere else and that's a lot easier here where I can walk places. Plus, Stacey pays rent and so it would be unfair if I didn't get a job to pay as well and then I'd be in the same predicament I'm in now, working while not working on writing. Plus, loans are coming up, and with sitting dogs and kids, I can earn money while also leaving now and again to write whenever I have a moment.
I think I just found a round about way to admit what I've been thinking lately but have been too afraid to say to anyone. I don't want a job. I want to write. Aunt Joy keeps sending me possible jobs, the last two relevant but sometimes they're out of left field, and I search occasionally (and find nothing! I would like to make that clear. I'm not finding possible jobs and then not applying. I haven't yet anyway), but doing this... working randomly- I feel like I have more opportunity to focus on writing more so than I'd be able to with a real job. I'm afraid of giving up again because it will be hard. I just want to write... I feel like Laura said something like this, and yet she's not all woe-is-me like I feel I am being right now. These things need to get out, however, before they start to tear you apart inside until they burst through the seams they've created.
And what if I can't be a writer? What then? What if I can but I make, like, enough to buy food, not a place and food?
This is all so ridiculously maddening but having written all this out I think I know for sure I need to apply for these two jobs she found and really try to get them. One, I'll meet people. Two, I said at the beginning I'm having trouble focusing on writing anyway, so that's already a problem with sitting. Three, if writing can't be a career for me, I'll already have one.
Some days I just want to say "Screw it" it to life and then do... what? Take a nap? I'll just have to face it afterwards. I still have to live. I'll still have to make decisions. I still have to get somewhere, where ever that may be, doing whatever that may be. "Screwing it" isn't an option. The more time I waste ignoring it, the longer it will be until I get to where I want. Where ever that may be.

Oh Dear

Panda needed to be groomed. It's been getting hot and it was obvious Panda was getting hot with all that fur.

So Aunt Joy and I talked about getting her groomed but Aunt Joy said that was more expensive than a cut for a person. So Aunt joy started cutting her hair... and it was one of the worst cuts I had ever seen. So today Aunt Joy decided to fix it.

When I returned from Starbucks with Aunt Joy's drink I found Panda on the kitchen table (where I at least eat, by the way) being trimmed with ginormous scissors. And Panda just laid there and let Aunt Joy do whatever she wanted to her.

Although, she did look pretty scared sometimes... Anyway, Aunt Joy did make her look better but I couldn't help but laugh most of the time. You can't see the cuts as well now that she's been washed but I think it's going to grow in very poorly. After we finished grooming her and bathing her I figured why don't we also cut her nails. The only problem is Panda has black nails so you can't see the wick and if you can't see the wick then there's a good chance you could accidentally cut the vein. Aunt Joy usually cuts their nails but had never done Panda's so I was in charge of it since I was so adamant about them being cut. So I got the clippers and measured so that I took off the least bit possible. And that's when Panda freaked. She would let you go at her with a pair of large scissors but go at her with some clippers and she yelps at you! So I was obviously freaking out because I never cut the nails. So I agreed to hold Panda while Aunt Joy tried. We finally learned what Panda will not tolerate.

I suggested we do Millie because she's the one who usually jumps up and ends up scratching me when I'm only wearing shorts anyway. And with summer practically here already I didn't want people to think I was being abused. I wanted to hold her and explained that ever since my mom accidentally cut Oliver's vein cutting his nails I have never been able to be the cutter. So I hold Millie and Aunt Joy cuts her nails. She only does one before going "Uh oh."

She barely cut one and through all the years of me being here and holding her dogs while she cut not ONCE has she messed up but I jinxed us today.

So there's blood going everywhere, I'm yelling at Aunt Joy to go get a tissue or something. She's trying to press on the nail to stop the bleeding but Millie keeps squirming and getting it on the couch. Then all of sudden Aunt Joy yells "OMG it's on your shirt!" She takes Millie from me quickly and I get up and walk over to the kitchen fairly calm. "What do I do?"

"Take it off and throw it in the sink!" she screams.

I look at her a second like she's lost her mind. Then I hurriedly take off my new white top with the sliding glass door open, giving anyone if they happened to go out on their balcony full view and drenched it. The blood came off pretty quickly and it's now laying downstairs on a towel while it dries.

What I'm trying to say is Aunt Joy was more worried about my top than her bleeding dog.

While I changed she tried to hold onto Millie and press on the wound. She held onto it for about as long as she could but Millie persisted. Then I had to take Millie out for a walk and it started bleeding again but it seems fine now.

So that was my day.... tomorrow should be much better since I'm hanging out with Sarah at May Fest but today was certainly quite a start to my weekend!

Wednesday Excursion

So it's hot upstairs and my brain wouldn't shut up. Thankfully, I remembered I had meant to blog about my excursion today and thus have something to do downstairs to tire me out so I can return to bed.
Yesterday, I was finally able to check out the Fritz Pastry near Southport and Diversy. This place just has the most adorable sign and a huge window that shows lots of little tables which would be perfect to sit down with a friend, and a cookie, and hang out. Unfortunately, this place also has ridiculous hours. I ended up taking a picture one day with my phone and made it my background just so I'd remember the hours before making the trek over. I thought I would have to take something to go because they usually close at 1pm and I arrived at 12:45 but they've extended their hours to close at 3pm thanks to the summer weather approaching (although yesterday it felt like summer was already here).

Inside it was pretty sparse. There were only a few pastries to choose from that day, probably because it was close to closing and it was a Wednesday. There was an old man sitting down, reading a book and a younger guy in front of me with punk/hipster like style and lots of tattoos. After he left I got a better look at the cashier. He had red hair and a thick, red beard that my friend, John, would have admired greatly. He had sleeve tattoos, which I didn't get a good look at, and a hat, which, if I remember correctly (it is 3am right now), was like a modernized newsboy hat. He was really nice and helpful, answered all of my questions. They didn't have any frappuccinos, unfortunately, just coffee that could be made iced. I personally find coffee not so tasty and iced coffee plain disgusting. Thus, I ordered a Honey Bear Latte and no pastry. It turns out the place has the taxes configured into the price and a small cost me an even four dollars.
I sat down to write while I waited for my latte, sitting near the window so I could look out at pedestrians. The music playing was different. I only recognized She & Him and Steve Miller and they were using vinyl records. I know this because a box of them were sitting on the bar area.
When he brought my latte, I realized it was that drink that people snap pictures of because some baristas create images in the foam. I couldn't tell for sure if he was trying to create something when I looked at it. If he was, it was either a poorly made bird or a hand making the peace sign. The latte was good, not too bitter with a nice sweetness because of the honey.
I'll probably go back on a Saturday when, hopefully, I'll be able to try one of their cinnamon rolls. I doubt they're as good as Ann Sather's but this place is closer.

Tales of Poop and Pee

So I've decided I can't have dogs or kids and be a single parent. I've been in charge of sitting my aunt's dogs for over a month now and I still have a hard time getting myself to do basic things. There are two things I can't do (or have a hard time doing) while alone with the dogs:
1. showering (there is always some type of poop or pee in the house afterward)
2. leave the house (again, there is an accident somewhere and if the baby gate to the downstairs has fallen, it's probably on my bath mat)
I become so anxious just when I think about doing these things. For instance, I haven't had a shower in a reasonable amount of time and feel absolutely gross and disgusting right now but I came down the stairs to poop at the bottom of the stairs and am now deterred from showering. The bath mat in my bathroom downstairs already has pee on it but I refused to pick it up because I knew I had to go to the grocery store and take Duffie to the vet which meant Panda would probably have an "accident" down there again. Sure enough, when I returned from the vet the gate was down. I haven't checked the damage yet.
Adding to that, at some point during the night (I'm only guessing), someone is peeing in front of the linen closet. That one I'm unsure who's responsible yet. A couple nights ago went upstairs to bed and found poop in the upstairs bathroom, as well as pee, pee in front of the linen closet, and poop in the spare bedroom. The spare bedroom is Duffie's former spot so now even the most trained dog is acting up.
Can you imagine if I had a kid? I mean, sure, I wouldn't leave the child alone but what about a shower? I'd be too afraid something might happen. I suppose I could change to shower before bed while the child is asleep.. but seriously, I don't know if I could handle the stress on my own.
Basically what I'm saying is, I think I'm going to be the crazy cat lady because they are so low maintenance.

Frustration

I swear, history writing ruined my ability to write fiction. I used to be such a good writer! People loved reading my journals and early blog posts! This blows.

On another note, we found some baby bunnies today and a kid picked one up, had a ridiculous temper tantrum when he couldn't keep it, but finally put it back in it's burrow.

Before writing all of my history papers, I could have made that story hilarious. I'm really hoping it's that and not the anxiety medication. The history paper habit I can fix, I can't stop taking my meds.

Actually

This is actually the longest I've gone, with the exception of Kevin, being single.
A part of me believes this is a bad thing. The phrase that goes something along the lines of "get back on the saddle" springs to mind. On the other hand, this could be a good thing. I mean, I don't have to worry about a gift being perfect for someone more than just twice a year, which certainly helps keep down the anxiety. Actually, most of firmly believes this is a good thing. I can completely focus on myself and getting my life on the path I want it on. I can figure out just what I want in a guy, what I don't want, etc. I can also focus on friends and spend more time with them. Problem is I'm having no luck in getting my life started, so to speak, I still feel like I'm missing something when it comes to my break-up, and my friends are out of reach.
I lost the discipline I had gained from my experience in China when I found out we were forcing my grandma out of her house into a nursing home and I haven't been able to completely get it back. I'm making excuses and bad decisions.
On a better note, it's getting warmer. Which means more sun, more reasons to be out and about, meeting new people, getting to the library. I have hope.

Age really is just a number

Wrote this yesterday while writing~~~

So I'm a Starbucks trying to write when I overhear a man ask how old a girl is. "I'm thirty," she says and I'm shocked. I look back over my shoulder at her. She's not wearing much make-up, if any. She's wearing glasses, long black hair, and a grey newsboy hat. I had assumed she was my age or younger and she's thirty. That's when I realized thirty is pretty close to my age! I mean, I'll be twenty-five in a couple months but thirty is not that far away.
And I'm not scared of turning thirty- I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm planning a huge party with party dresses and Sinatra suits, tons of dancing to music like Elvis and Chuck Berry, mixed with songs from today with similar sound. It's going to be a blast and hopefully by thirty I'll be able to make it what I really want.
But she's right around my age. Thirty. And she and, I assume, her husband are talking about a life insurance.

Last Day at Loft

Yesterday was my last day at LOFT and it was quite a day. Because I had to open the store, I had to be at work at 8:30 AM. For those of you who don't know, I'm living with my aunt now, who lives in downtown Chicago whereas my work is back in the suburbs where I went to school. In order to make it to work on time I had to catch a 6:30 AM train and in order to make the train I had to leave the house at 5:30 AM. I ended up pulling an all-nighter because I didn't think I'd be able to wake up. I ended up taking a little nap at 3 AM and woke up a little later than I had planned and starting to get ready at 4:45 AM but I left on time and made the train. (You can see why I'm not working there anymore, right?)
As the train drew closer and closer to the suburbs I was surprised to find snow on the ground! It had been raining all week in Chicago not snowing! I wouldn't have worn my TOMS had I known there was snow on the ground. Then it started snowing! It's freaking April! It's days like yesterday that make me wonder about my decision to live here.
Anyway, I made it on time, the day went well, it stopped snowing and the sun even came out. After my time was over, I asked if I could still use my employee discount that day, even though I had just finished my last time working at LOFT. Once my manager said yes, I went on a little shopping spree.
Okay, not that little.
I didn't spend a ton of money as a whole, but knowing that was the total after my discount was pretty embarrassing. I had some time afterward before the train so I also bought some red TOMS I had been wanting for a while.
So now I own a ton of LOFT clothes that can be dressed down or dressed up. All I need is the job to wear them at!

April Showers

When I was in kindergarten we learned the different months of the year with a calender hung in the front of class. Each month a new sign with the month's name would be hung with a scene in the background. In June, it would be sunshine, for July it was the American Flag. Most of these made sense to me except April. Why was it "April Showers?" It rains all year around. And then "May flowers?" Flowers are around starting in April.
Then I moved to Chicago and realized a northern came up with all that. It has rained almost everyday since it became April and the flowers have only just started to bloom, and probably won't have completely bloomed until May. It's interesting. As I was walking the dogs in the rain and realized that, I also realized that many sayings and things are revolved around life in the northern part of the nation. April showers bring May flowers, White Christmas, etc.Perhaps this goes back to the north being industrialized first?
No idea, just an observation during my walk today.

Foodie

I snack way too much.
I'm just sitting in the house all day, watching these dogs, making sure they don't pee in the house, and eating all the time. I'm eating fairly well, just a lot. How do I stop snacking (and don't you dare tell me "just stop")? I feel like I'm constantly hungry.
I need summer to start so I'll spend more time outside away from food.

It's Official

Well, I've been applying for a few jobs but nothing as of yet. Everyone's been telling me it will take a while so I'm not too distressed. I'm still not sure if not being distressed is a good thing or a bad thing but it is what it is.
On another note, I received the letter from my school making it official that I am a college graduate! Six years of school. I feel so behind my peers but I'm so happy that I kept with it and now have something to show for it.
So I've been writing the outline for my novel which has been really good. I've become more detailed as I go. Ironically I'm more detailed with the scenes in the middle which I had given little thought to, if any. I'm still not  done so I haven't started the 90 day challenge yet. When I do, I'll make sure to mention it. I started another blog you can find on my profile titled "Write Me" where I'll be talking about the experience. I don't have much right now because I haven't done much but I hope to write more with each post.

Start Writing

So April first has come and went and I haven't written anything. I've been blaming it on my computer, on being afraid to go downstairs to search for the draft, among other reasons but the true reasons are I'm scared and lazy. I'm scared I'll fail or that I'm actually one of those people who now talks about writing instead of actually having the guts and commitment to write. There was also the fact that it turned out I was supposed to write my outline for my novel before even starting the 90 day challenge. I guess I'll start my other blog with that.
Yes, I'm starting another blog. I can't keep giving potential employers my Chinese blog that I last updated in December, and I certainly don't want to give them my personal blog unless I have to. And since I want to write for a living the blog might as well be about writing. And I'll end it with the completion of my novel. Or maybe I'll continue it until the novel is published. Or maybe I'll just keep it going. The last one sounds promising, I mean, this way I have to keep track of only one blog.
First things first. I need to start writing!

Prove

I'm watching Pit bulls and Parolees and in this particular episode the mom is trying to teach her daughter how to be a dog trainer so she can work with this particular dog they saved. The daughter is becoming increasingly frustrated while the mom is trying to teach her what to do. I'm not completely sure why it stuck out to me. Maybe because Tania felt the need to prove herself and I feel that way every time I think about my writing. I've been told enough that I'm a good writer but I've read great writing and I don't think I'm there yet. I've started reading more since, because of school, I haven't been reading much at all. I really just want to write my novel and get it published because there have been times when I've wondered if I could do it.
I start writing my first novel April 1st and until then I'm going to keep reading and taking mental notes.

Bad Luck

I think my bad luck with cars has now passed to computers. My first computer lasted about four years and if you reformatted it would still work. I bought a new one because it was old and I didn't want to reformat everything. While I'm in China it starts to act up before the one year warranty is finished. Unfortunately, I didn't return to the U.S. until after the one year warranty had expired and thus received no help or compensation and was forced to buy a new computer. I got it as cheaply as I could, discounts, refurbished and what not. Now, not three months later my mouse keeps freezing. I took it to Best Buy and had Geek Squad look at it and he concluded it was because I had two anti-virus software on my computer. He uninstalled one and said that was probably the problem, and it seemed that way for a while. Until late last night when it froze twice and just five minutes ago when it froze again.
I suppose I should be thankful that when this thing crashes at least no one can die from it.

100

My 100th post! How about that!
Well, today we're going to visit Grandma at the nursing home today and of course we're bringing her Panda. I took a picture of Panda so you know I'm not kidding when I say she stays close.

In other news, I've been looking for jobs in the area but I haven't been able to find anything I'm really interested in. I've definitely found companies I want to work for, luckily, at least one of them says I can send an email inquiring about internships. The others said any emails would not be answered so there's at least one company who will consider me. I also found out I'm still working for LOFT. I had thought when my name wasn't on the payroll anymore that I had been let go but I just got a call saying I'm still an employee so at least I'll have money coming in. I also haven't done my taxes yet so that should help right now too.
And then of course I get to snuggle with adorable dogs so that will make me feel loved :)

Cats rule and dogs make me cold

I arrived in Chicago around six... maybe seven thanks to traffic. I didn't really notice because I was playing "Magic Puzzles" (which is seriously addictive). When we arrived at my aunt's I was met by three dogs... my aunt's two beagles and my grandma's papillion-chihuahua mix. Since my grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's my aunt had to take in her dog so now she has three dogs in a tiny townhouse which I have just moved into. Ironically, the dog that is the most vocal is the one least rambunctious, my grandma's dog.

Anyway, my aunt had a meeting this morning and had to be out of the house at 7am. So guess who woke up at 7 this morning? Panda, my grandma's dog, was howling, Millie, the beagle puppy, was barking and then Duffie, the older beagle, I found outside the door wagging her tail. How am I out of school and being forced to wake up earlier than I did while in school? This is just unfair...

Today was my first time walking all three dogs. Let me tell you, it wasn't a walk in the park. Literally, you could not walk these dogs together in a park. Panda walks as close to me as possible so that I have to constantly watch where I step. Duffie wants to smell everything so I'm having to stop all the time or pull her and then Millie wants to keep going so she's pulling me the other way. I'm not going to lie, I had to drop the leases a couple times to untangle them.

It seriously doesn't help matters that it's cold outside and I have to walk them tonight because my aunt is coming home late.

And people wonder why I don't want a dog and want a cat instead....

The First Movie to Make Me Cry

The first movie that ever made me cry I watched while in day-care. I was so moved by the movie that I made my mom take me to all the Blockbusters and other movie rentals to try and find it. I've been looking for it off and on for sometime and I finally found it. And I was right. It started with an "R."
Rigoletto
My life is complete :)

All You Need

I was just thinking today about how all of our high school counselors pushed us to go to college.
I heard a little bit about joining the military (obviously, we are at war) but rarely about technical schools or trade schools.
I never heard one promote the Peace Corps.
No one suggested taking a gap year.
Certainly, none of them suggested heading straight for the job market.
What we needed to do was acquire a college degree and then we would be set. We'd be able to live the life we wanted and would have a larger pay. We might even surpass our parents, as they surpassed their parents and so on.
So how come most of my friends are working jobs you don't need a degree to work? How come we owe so much money and yet make so little? How can I live the life I want if I can't find a job? How come most jobs don't just want a person with a degree but also require experience? How do you expect me to surpass my parents when I can't even find a job of equal stature or pay?

If I see any of my old counselors these are the questions I will ask them.

The Hunt Begins

February 1st- So I just posted a post about something completely different so I feel like I'll save this for either tomorrow or Sunday but basically I decided earlier that February first would be the start of my job hunt starting with the Career Fair. Well, I suffered a setback, giving up the Career Fair in order to finish my essay which was due today. Although it would have been a great learning experience I wasn't really interested in any of the companies because they were all sales, finance, with a hint of technology and education. Plus, the one I was interested in wasn't in Chicago but in Aurora and the whole point of me staying up here is to not own a car and living in Aurora would defeat that purpose. So day 1 didn't exactly start with a bang but I plan later tonight or maybe tomorrow to start applying.

February 24th- So a lot has happened and I haven't been updating this; however, I have still been looking. I just haven't found anything. I finally found a few things today/ I've saved two administrative jobs that seem appealing-- meaning I could actually get them. I also emailed a publishing company based in Chicago. I figure since I want to become a writer I should become familiar with the publishing industry. The publishers I contacted have published a lot of books on history so I feel like my degree in history won't work against me. We'll see what happens. A number of other companies I saved because they mentioned possibilities but they just aren't available right now. Nevertheless, I'm going to make an appointment with the career center and work on possible cover letters so I'm prepared.

February 27th- So I posted my resume on CareerBuilder last night and received three emails this morning. One my email thought was suspicious, another about becoming a Benefits Consultant and another about selling insurance. I'm pretty sure they were spam emails but I replied back saying "thanks, but no thanks" anyway, just in case. I'm still looking through LinkedIn for jobs and what not. I haven't received an email back from the publishing company I emailed. It's not looking so good right now but I need a job so I'm not giving up.

March 4th- I set an appointment with the same person who helped me on my resume to help me create a cover letter. The appointment was today and I was going to do the companies in New York but then I found a position here in Chicago I was really interested in. I didn't know the full name of the contact, just her first name, so the career lady told me to check the website and find it. So afterward I went on the website and there's nothing. Like, there is no section that says "About Us." I really didn't want to call her by her first name though so I started reading articles, trying to figure out what to do. One article suggested calling the company and asking someone for her name. So that's what I did! And I got her! And it turned out her last name is the same as the company name. She asked for my name, which I told her, and I said my resume and cover letter would be sent to her by the end of the day. My first real application- not just a prospecting email but a real job. It's part-time but there's the potential of it becoming full-time and a part-time job is better than an internship I figure. I also found a company in Atlanta I'm interested in but there's no place to see if they're hiring so I have to write a prospective cover letter to them. I need to figure out who too... Anyway, finally moving forward!

Race to Catch Up

The last two weeks were pretty rough and I fell behind in coursework. So far behind I felt overwhelmed, like I would never be able to finish everything and would fall behind on my capstone paper as well. Although I'm still not completely caught up, I have finished five and only have three more to go (I know, I got really behind! In my defense, everything was due the past two weeks..). I'm a little proud of myself but not completely because if I hadn't stressed myself out, thinking about how much I needed to finish instead of thinking about one assignment at a time, I could have caught up a long time ago and be working on my major capstone paper right now.
Hopefully I'll be able to pull myself together earlier.

Grandma

My mom informed me I haven't updated in a while and so here I am making an update.
These past two weeks have had a lot happen- my grandmother was put in a nursing home and my cat, Angel, died unexpectedly. I also had the rough draft to the paper that will basically decide whether I graduate or not due. God must have been curious to see how I'd handle such enormously stressful events coming right before the due date of what I consider the most important assignment of this semester.
And believe it or not I did alright. I could have done better but I managed to turn my mood around and get what needed to be done finished and turned in. I still have some assignments I need to work on that are overdue but due to the circumstances I did pretty well. My therapist thinks so too- I even ended our session early this week.
Tonight Grandma and Mom picked me up unexpectedly to have dinner. Grandma wanted to see where I work and so we went to the LOFT and then went to Girodano's for dinner. I decided a little while ago that I needed to start asking Grandma as much as possible before she can't remember anything due to the Alzheimer's. I asked her what it was like to live during World War II and then if she remembered the day the war was over. I asked her about how she met my Grandpa and how they named my mom and my uncle and aunt. Afterwards she admitted "It's too late." That's the first time since she's been diagnosed that she's admitted she's losing her memories. Or just perhaps her ability to express them. Mom stayed silent throughout but when Grandma left to go to the restroom she said Grandma only remembered about a third of the stories she told mom so she's going to write them down for me.
What's most important is that Grandma seems to like the nursing home now which she was so against when we found out. And she's really happy her dog Panda is going to be staying with Aunt Joy who has Millie and Duffie for Panda to play with. She's really taking it so much better now which is really nice to see. I'll see her again Sunday and hopefully see the nursing home. Apparently, her roommate speaks Polish so maybe I'll learn how to say hello before then.

Beautiful Image

I had a beautiful image earlier today.
I was in my studio apartment on a cold, snowy day. The place was very bright and colorful and you could see my bed in the background put together like a painting on canvas. I was sitting there snuggled into a chair with the legs over the arm with a blanket hanging over them to give them a little warmth reading a book. On my lap was my Ragamuffin kitten Rupert, snug and warm, cushioned in between my stomach and bent legs.
It really looked like a beautiful moment. Hopefully I'll get there soon.

A Lesson in Decision Making

So it's been a while since I've updated and that mostly because I had no good news to give. I was just making bad decision after bad decision regarding my English class and then I became ill. Finally, Wednesday I made a list of that I needed to accomplish each day and I did really well actually! I didn't get exactly everything done on the particular day but everything was handed in on time and I think in the end that's what really matters. I was certainly really happy when I finished my paper this morning which was a huge part of my midterm today. And then my happiness was dashed when I learned I had somehow missed an assignment for English. And of course it was English. So I need to do that today.
I feel like I don't like updating this unless I have something good to say. Like, I don't want to just say I'm doing poorly but say I was doing poorly but now I'm better! Whenever I'm not doing so well I always feel ashamed because I've realized now it's totally my fault- not the depression or anxiety. That really unfolded this week and last when I started sleeping poorly because of intense dreams. I was actually worried that I had become used to the medication because I had been doing really well, and my therapist saw a big difference in my attitude. Well, I thought about it and decided that it may have been because I was making bad decisions and falling behind. Thus I decided to not raise the alarm and on Wednesday decided to focus on getting things done and make better decisions. I'm still not sleeping as well as I was before but I feel like there has been an improvement. This just further proves to me that I have more control over this than I've let myself believe in the past and that I'm far more capable than I've given myself credit before.
This of course also means I'm out of excuses which kind of blows, but it's good in the grand scheme of things.

Smart

So I had my bad decision for the week on Monday of freaking out about a 3 page paper I shouldn't have been freaking out about at all and basically napping all day. Right through my history class and the beginning of my English class. Was not my finest moment but that's ok! Onward I go to not making another mistake for the rest of this week!
So I almost made a mistake today by waiting to the last minute to do an assignment. Really, it wasn't waiting to the last minute to do the assignment but waiting to the last minute to read my teacher's comments on my last assignment which directly affected how I should have been doing the assignment due today. Basically I got a 79 because I didn't "have enough secondary sources for an initial bibliography" and my thesis was terrible. Okay, I knew I needed more secondary sources eventually and that my thesis was terrible but it was the best I could come up with at the moment. I mean, it's an initial bibliography. You're going to drop me down two letter grades for that?? Seriously?!
So I didn't have enough time to come up with another secondary source that I could quickly annotate so I just annotated the ones I had the best I could and talked about two more primary sources I found. So I'm running to the library figuring, for sure he's going to give me a terrible grade for not having another secondary source but whatever and I'm trying to quickly print it out when I happen to be next to a guy in my class who also happens to be running late. I see his annotated bibliography and gasp! He's got a thesis statement too! He assures me it was required and tells me to just write one quickly since I'm already late. I do, and keep in mind his issues with my thesis before. I mean, it turned out alright considering I wrote it in a couple seconds. Anyway, as I was leaving I caught another student from my class just printing out his bibliography too.
So I run to class, we have class, and at the end he starts talking about the paper we had due the last week.
Basically, we all failed. Apparently (and I still don't believe this) only three people in our class of ten cited quotes and paraphrasing. This is a 400 level class. I don't understand how this is even possible. How could you survive the other history classes without being called out for plagiarism and fail? How could more than half the class do that?! I actually started wondering if I was one of those people even though I knew I cite almost everything in my papers just because of the odds against me. Then he said it was obvious that most students didn't understand the text, which I didn't. He goes on and how, like, only one person talked about Practical Realism which was a huge part of the chapter (I did...) and then about Truth and Objectivity, which the whole chapter was about (this was definitely my whole paper). So now I'm kinda like.... I think he just expected more because I did all of that.... I think. And then he finishes with "They really weren't that bad."
Can you even say that after saying most of us plagiarized?
I get it back and I got a 70. I'm just like "Ok, what the heck did I do" and I go through my paper which has next to no marks on it throughout but a big paragraph of comments at the end. The guy has probably the worst handwriting I've ever seen so I'm going through trying to pick out words. So far his comments have been pretty positive but this one ends with "This is not complete" which isn't a good start. I seriously can't figure the message out so I decide to ask him to read it for me so I can figure out what I didn't do.

It read: "This is great as far as it goes but given that it is only half as long as the assignment required and that many issues are either not discussed or just mentioned in passing, it is more suggestive than complete. Indeed, it is not complete."
I had forgotten that I had only written two pages when the paper was supposed to be four... but still I cannot express to you the shock I felt when he said "great" and I remembered I got a 70. He went on and said "You know this is really good, I mean this is obviously the work of an intelligent person"
And that's about the second I stopped hating him. Can I tell you a secret? I don't think I've ever been told I was smart. I always kinda knew because I could remember things others couldn't, especially concerning history, but to be told by... anyone that you possess intellect, that you are indeed not just average but smart, is a feeling I find difficult to describe. The best I can do is to tell you I stopped disliking his attitude and subjective grading and walked away unable to stop smiling and tearing up.
I was smart. It was official. It was not just a thought in my head but I was, indeed, smart. I felt like every moment of self-doubt, self-loathing, self-scrutinizing and comparing myself to others that other people around said were smart just kinda fell to the wayside and I thought "I'm one of them. I'm smart too."
And then I thought isn't that sad? That such a declaration at my age could have such an effect on me?

Onward!

So I managed to finish my third week of school with everything turned in.
Ok, not everything. I've been slacking in my English class with the assignments. I've been forgetting! But tomorrow I have a 3 page paper due on an essay I've now read a couple times. It's supposed to be on form and style but I'm not entirely aware of the "styles" and "forms" so it's going to be a little difficult.
I think I've mentioned this, I'm going to start looking for my "career" February 1st with the school's career fair. I just found out I have to pay $10 to go which sucks but thankfully I just cleaned my aunt's place so I have $50! So I'm sign up tomorrow and then make an appointment with a resume person to help me figure out just what I want on there as well as what other careers should I be looking into with a degree in history besides museums.
Wish me luck!

Coolest Dream Ever

OK, it's 4:30am but I can't sleep because I keep reliving this dream and adding to it and I don't want to forget it so I'm writing it now.

So it's around Christmas and apparently my mom is doing some renovations on our childhood home (the one we haven't lived in since I was twelve- side note- why is it always my childhood home and never the other homes?). She has hired a new contractor because the old one was incompetent who advises all the things that should have been done/suggested before. Even suggesting we change the guard at our house to not being one guard all night (because the guy fell asleep in 3 hours) but to three guys working 3 hour shifts. Now it would make sense if these guards were guarding the outside of the house while we were living with friends or a hotel or something but yeah no that's not happening. Apparently, my mom had a baby-gate set up to her room (but there was no wall to put a baby-gate there in real life...) to leave something out? or leave something in? Not entirely sure. What I do know is that I woke up in the middle of the night and left my childhood room to find the baby-gate closed and our dog, Hunter (never had a dog named Hunter and this was not a German Shepard like the dog we did have), wanting to get in my mom's room. So I stood there for a second at the gate, looking at him, and let him in.
In my head I'm thinking "That stupid guard. I can't believe it! This time he isn't even here! Unbelievable!" As I'm thinking this, I'm trying to turn the backstairs light on, but I keep flipping the switch and it isn't working. (this is also in the wrong spot of my house...) I keep trying it and it's not working and in the dream I'm wondering if I've forgotten which light works for the backstairs. All of a sudden, a flash of a man runs out of my mom's room, through the baby-gate and down the stairs. And that's when it all clicks and I yell the ever appropriate and the ever clever remark "Yeah, you better run!" Then a second flash goes by that I think is a man.
Soon after that, I go into Mom's room, yelling "Can you believe that?!" and so forth.
Mom's in bed and goes "It's okay." Probably trying to tell me she's okay because she was asleep and is still groggy and, of course, in shock.
"Okay?! Look at this room!!" And it was true, there was junk all over the floor, things turned over; who knows how Mom slept through this.
I start going down stairs on the back stairwell, without light, and see the place is trashed while continuing to yell up to Mom while only for second thinking I might wake up Stacey and Lesley. I see he didn't touch Christmas presents (yes, robbed on Christmas Eve no less) and go to the back door that, as I go through it, becomes the front door. I call Hunter over and there he is still in the yard, all yippy and excited, knowing he did a good job. I of course praise him immensely and you can tell he wants a treat. Problem is, I don't think we have treats. Apparently our dogs (yes, there was another one) don't do much that warrant treats.
And that's where the dream ended.
So I'm thinking the guard did it.
Also, why this dream is interesting, it's the first time the layout of any of the places my dreams are staged has been wrong. The layout is usually the only thing that makes sense, believe it or not, but this time little things were wrong, like the back wall where the backstairs were being beside my parent's room which held up the baby-gate and the light i tried turning on, or the backyard having the front door view (actually this isn't that weird.) What was weird is that the tree was in the wrong spot! It was next to the TV stand instead of in the diagonal corner.
And then there was the backdoor. I don't think there was even a door there. At least I didn't until I started trying to figure out what was there. And now I'm thinking there might have actually been a door there that we just rarely used. And now I'm thinking we the Christmas tree there once.. and now I'm questioning everything! Except the backstairs- that's totally the wrong spot.

Against the Clock

Well, I've done worse- let's put it that way.
So the resolution to make good decisions is not going as hoped. Obviously, this is going to take some time and work. Basically, I freaked out about a paper I wasn't sure how to write and instead of asking the teacher for help I sat in my dorm and wallowed in my anxiety and tried to calm myself down by sleeping. Needless to say, the paper wasn't finished on time. Thankfully, I have a very laid-back and understanding teacher who has given me more time to turn in my work but, course, will be taking off points. Fair enough.
I also have a paper due today that I'm having trouble with but now I'm too scared to call the teacher because I waited so late to read the chapter. This book is about as hard to get through as a fat cat and a kitty door. It reminds me of the book Imagined Communities I needed Eric to translate for me last year. I've gone online to look for summaries but I'm not finding anything that goes in depth into the chapter. I mean, really it sounds like I understood the gist of it but it's 29 pages to describe what could be written in a paragraph and I need 3 pages.
I should just suck it up and call him.

So Upset

So tonight we had a returnee study abroad meeting which was great and a lot of fun. I got to meet a lot of great people who visited different countries and hear about their experiences. It really was great; I was one of the last people to leave.

At the very end Kimberly, who runs the study abroad stuff was telling a friend Jeff about how the school has a program to Taiwan.

"... And you know, we just had a girl come back from Taiwan who stayed for a year. And she earned six-credits over the summer."

I froze "Wait, what? You could have credits transfer over if you went for just the summer?"

"Yup!" says Kimberly.

I had actually went to the study abroad house and specifically was told by a graduate assistant that if I went to Taiwan during the summer my credits would NOT transfer and that it would only cover my study abroad requirement.

You have no idea how upset I was, and I'm finally starting to calm down but I missed my friends' wedding. I missed a bunch of other things too like my boyfriend's birthday, his graduation, but the wedding is what's really getting to me because  that's something that will, hopefully, only happen once in their lives.

Plus, I had known the groom my entire life, my boyfriend was the best man, and my best friend was going. These three people and their two families have been close their entire lives and have gone on holidays together and are just so close and because I live in Atlanta I've always been on the cusp of it. Moving to Chicago finally gave me a chance to not miss any more big events and be apart of these things and then I have to study abroad in order to graduate. I try to change the date because it seems like my only option is the Fall when everything is happening and then I find out NOW after so many things have happened and I've missed so many things and had such a hard time that things could have been different.

And I just might have been there.

I can not explain to you how upset I am right now.

First Week

I like my classes. I obviously have a favorite and a least favorite but I actually like all of them. I don't think that has ever happened before.
My favorite is my class on the capstone, ironically. I like the teacher, I like the subject matter, I'm all for this. My least favorite is the U.S. history class I have to take, simply because I have little interest in U.S. history after having learned it at least 6 times already over the course of my school life. The class that's in the middle somewhere is the English class I decided to take in hopes that it would give me tools to better my writing. The teacher is weird but in a nerdy, cool way that makes the class more interesting and the homework assignments include reading but are also exercises that challenge me in odd ways. For instance, my first assignment I had to write the longest sentence I could using only one semi-colon and it remain grammatically correct. The next one we had to diagram a two paragraphs at the beginning of this essay and then write sentences using that diagram. For example, a sentence would be "Jane ran home." That would be diagrammed as "subject verb object" and I would then have to write a sentence using those parts of speech (like mad libs but a lot more complicated) so I would write "Mark likes dogs." That's obviously a very simple example and it became a lot harder. So hard that I was pretty stumped because you also had to make the paragraphs cohesive and make sense.
Anyway, I'm thinking my last semester isn't going to be so bad after all. I really just need to keep up with my research and just stay on top of things.
I have my first therapy appointment this Saturday since being back in the states coming up which should be interesting. There's obviously a lot to talk about. Also, my family is going to come up for my graduation (even my dad who hasn't been back to Chicago in god knows how long) which is in June so I have that to look forward to.
My grades still haven't come in yet from China so I'm not sure if my Chinese classes will count towards my minor or if I'll have to drop it. I also don't know if my internship class will count as my independent study so I might have to quickly add an independent class to make up for that if I want to finish with classes by the end of March. I've decided I'm going to wait until the beginning of February to start applying for jobs, simply because I should have all of my information then. Or at least most of it.

New Year, New Attitude

This year is going to be filled with "can do" and less "can't."
I don't know if it's my stay in China for four months or that I recognize barely anyone on campus, am not dating, and it being my last semester, but I definitely feel different. I definitely think my stay in China played a huge part in it though. Having a large amount of homework due everyday, class everyday, no therapy meetings, not enough meds, and no close friends or family for support really made last semester difficult. I really learned that I had been using my anxiety and depression as an excuse, believing things like "I can't do that because of my anxiety," or "It's really hard for me because of my anxiety and depression." In a sense that is relatively true but it was more true because I made it so, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I figured that out at the very end of my stay there when I started making better choices and saw my situation improving. It really came down to my attitude towards myself and what I'm capable of.
I know a number of people have said this to me many times but for some reason it clicked after this experience.
So I was also going to start the year writing my first rough draft (because, hey, I decided I was going to do it so why put it off?) but I don't have the book with me. That might be good though so I can get situated this term and figure out when I'm going to do homework for which class and so forth. Then maybe February 1st I'll start writing. I'm taking an English class that focuses on how authors use grammar to get a point across or use certain tools and tricks so I should probably start writing after I learn a few things because those might be helpful. Actually, they will definitely be helpful. I feel like my writing is at Stephanie Meyer level and no one respects her writing so I really need to step it up.
Anyway, so my New Year's Resolution is to believe in myself and not put myself down.
I hope all of you have taken a moment to think about how you're going to make this year different :)