Screw It

Screw making friends, the longer I live with my aunt, the more I'm against getting a dog once I can. I know I'll be more likely to meet people and make friends but I just don't think the barking to go out at 2am is worth it.
Of course, I was awake anyway. I have been having trouble sleeping. There are a million little reasons why this could be happening but I'm sure one of the reasons is that I'm taking two pills a day instead of three to conserve my anxiety medication. Aunt Joy said tomorrow (today) we can pass a CVS so I can pick up a refill.
I could also use a therapy appointment. I could try making one for next Saturday and miss a meet with Grandma. Especially since I know I'm going to be seeing her more often come the following weekend. That's when I'll finally be walking at my college graduation. With it coming so quickly now, I'm looking back on everything I did to get here and, honestly, I'm not too impressed. Sure, I managed to realize I didn't want the life I would have had with C.J., I orchestrated my move to Chicago on my own, but other than that? While at school I did more of the same half-ass work I've been known for, thanks to making excuses. I've been using my anxiety as an excuse instead of an explanation. I learned this while in China, why can't I follow it? I understand old, bad habits are hard to break but... some days I'm not sure I'm making the effort. It's also a lot harder to tell now that I'm out of school. My benchmark for these things have always been the amount of schoolwork I finish, and the quality. Now I'm dog-sitting and baby-sitting and, occasionally, writing.
I want to write. I'm just not putting in the effort. I could say it's because I'm watching the dogs and I hate to leave them alone and worry about what they're doing. Mom has recently offered for me to return home where I could focus on writing. It sounds fantastic except I can't write at home. I can't write at Aunt Joy's either- I always have to leave to write somewhere else and that's a lot easier here where I can walk places. Plus, Stacey pays rent and so it would be unfair if I didn't get a job to pay as well and then I'd be in the same predicament I'm in now, working while not working on writing. Plus, loans are coming up, and with sitting dogs and kids, I can earn money while also leaving now and again to write whenever I have a moment.
I think I just found a round about way to admit what I've been thinking lately but have been too afraid to say to anyone. I don't want a job. I want to write. Aunt Joy keeps sending me possible jobs, the last two relevant but sometimes they're out of left field, and I search occasionally (and find nothing! I would like to make that clear. I'm not finding possible jobs and then not applying. I haven't yet anyway), but doing this... working randomly- I feel like I have more opportunity to focus on writing more so than I'd be able to with a real job. I'm afraid of giving up again because it will be hard. I just want to write... I feel like Laura said something like this, and yet she's not all woe-is-me like I feel I am being right now. These things need to get out, however, before they start to tear you apart inside until they burst through the seams they've created.
And what if I can't be a writer? What then? What if I can but I make, like, enough to buy food, not a place and food?
This is all so ridiculously maddening but having written all this out I think I know for sure I need to apply for these two jobs she found and really try to get them. One, I'll meet people. Two, I said at the beginning I'm having trouble focusing on writing anyway, so that's already a problem with sitting. Three, if writing can't be a career for me, I'll already have one.
Some days I just want to say "Screw it" it to life and then do... what? Take a nap? I'll just have to face it afterwards. I still have to live. I'll still have to make decisions. I still have to get somewhere, where ever that may be, doing whatever that may be. "Screwing it" isn't an option. The more time I waste ignoring it, the longer it will be until I get to where I want. Where ever that may be.