Frustration

I swear, history writing ruined my ability to write fiction. I used to be such a good writer! People loved reading my journals and early blog posts! This blows.

On another note, we found some baby bunnies today and a kid picked one up, had a ridiculous temper tantrum when he couldn't keep it, but finally put it back in it's burrow.

Before writing all of my history papers, I could have made that story hilarious. I'm really hoping it's that and not the anxiety medication. The history paper habit I can fix, I can't stop taking my meds.

Actually

This is actually the longest I've gone, with the exception of Kevin, being single.
A part of me believes this is a bad thing. The phrase that goes something along the lines of "get back on the saddle" springs to mind. On the other hand, this could be a good thing. I mean, I don't have to worry about a gift being perfect for someone more than just twice a year, which certainly helps keep down the anxiety. Actually, most of firmly believes this is a good thing. I can completely focus on myself and getting my life on the path I want it on. I can figure out just what I want in a guy, what I don't want, etc. I can also focus on friends and spend more time with them. Problem is I'm having no luck in getting my life started, so to speak, I still feel like I'm missing something when it comes to my break-up, and my friends are out of reach.
I lost the discipline I had gained from my experience in China when I found out we were forcing my grandma out of her house into a nursing home and I haven't been able to completely get it back. I'm making excuses and bad decisions.
On a better note, it's getting warmer. Which means more sun, more reasons to be out and about, meeting new people, getting to the library. I have hope.

Age really is just a number

Wrote this yesterday while writing~~~

So I'm a Starbucks trying to write when I overhear a man ask how old a girl is. "I'm thirty," she says and I'm shocked. I look back over my shoulder at her. She's not wearing much make-up, if any. She's wearing glasses, long black hair, and a grey newsboy hat. I had assumed she was my age or younger and she's thirty. That's when I realized thirty is pretty close to my age! I mean, I'll be twenty-five in a couple months but thirty is not that far away.
And I'm not scared of turning thirty- I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm planning a huge party with party dresses and Sinatra suits, tons of dancing to music like Elvis and Chuck Berry, mixed with songs from today with similar sound. It's going to be a blast and hopefully by thirty I'll be able to make it what I really want.
But she's right around my age. Thirty. And she and, I assume, her husband are talking about a life insurance.

Last Day at Loft

Yesterday was my last day at LOFT and it was quite a day. Because I had to open the store, I had to be at work at 8:30 AM. For those of you who don't know, I'm living with my aunt now, who lives in downtown Chicago whereas my work is back in the suburbs where I went to school. In order to make it to work on time I had to catch a 6:30 AM train and in order to make the train I had to leave the house at 5:30 AM. I ended up pulling an all-nighter because I didn't think I'd be able to wake up. I ended up taking a little nap at 3 AM and woke up a little later than I had planned and starting to get ready at 4:45 AM but I left on time and made the train. (You can see why I'm not working there anymore, right?)
As the train drew closer and closer to the suburbs I was surprised to find snow on the ground! It had been raining all week in Chicago not snowing! I wouldn't have worn my TOMS had I known there was snow on the ground. Then it started snowing! It's freaking April! It's days like yesterday that make me wonder about my decision to live here.
Anyway, I made it on time, the day went well, it stopped snowing and the sun even came out. After my time was over, I asked if I could still use my employee discount that day, even though I had just finished my last time working at LOFT. Once my manager said yes, I went on a little shopping spree.
Okay, not that little.
I didn't spend a ton of money as a whole, but knowing that was the total after my discount was pretty embarrassing. I had some time afterward before the train so I also bought some red TOMS I had been wanting for a while.
So now I own a ton of LOFT clothes that can be dressed down or dressed up. All I need is the job to wear them at!

April Showers

When I was in kindergarten we learned the different months of the year with a calender hung in the front of class. Each month a new sign with the month's name would be hung with a scene in the background. In June, it would be sunshine, for July it was the American Flag. Most of these made sense to me except April. Why was it "April Showers?" It rains all year around. And then "May flowers?" Flowers are around starting in April.
Then I moved to Chicago and realized a northern came up with all that. It has rained almost everyday since it became April and the flowers have only just started to bloom, and probably won't have completely bloomed until May. It's interesting. As I was walking the dogs in the rain and realized that, I also realized that many sayings and things are revolved around life in the northern part of the nation. April showers bring May flowers, White Christmas, etc.Perhaps this goes back to the north being industrialized first?
No idea, just an observation during my walk today.

Foodie

I snack way too much.
I'm just sitting in the house all day, watching these dogs, making sure they don't pee in the house, and eating all the time. I'm eating fairly well, just a lot. How do I stop snacking (and don't you dare tell me "just stop")? I feel like I'm constantly hungry.
I need summer to start so I'll spend more time outside away from food.

It's Official

Well, I've been applying for a few jobs but nothing as of yet. Everyone's been telling me it will take a while so I'm not too distressed. I'm still not sure if not being distressed is a good thing or a bad thing but it is what it is.
On another note, I received the letter from my school making it official that I am a college graduate! Six years of school. I feel so behind my peers but I'm so happy that I kept with it and now have something to show for it.
So I've been writing the outline for my novel which has been really good. I've become more detailed as I go. Ironically I'm more detailed with the scenes in the middle which I had given little thought to, if any. I'm still not  done so I haven't started the 90 day challenge yet. When I do, I'll make sure to mention it. I started another blog you can find on my profile titled "Write Me" where I'll be talking about the experience. I don't have much right now because I haven't done much but I hope to write more with each post.

Start Writing

So April first has come and went and I haven't written anything. I've been blaming it on my computer, on being afraid to go downstairs to search for the draft, among other reasons but the true reasons are I'm scared and lazy. I'm scared I'll fail or that I'm actually one of those people who now talks about writing instead of actually having the guts and commitment to write. There was also the fact that it turned out I was supposed to write my outline for my novel before even starting the 90 day challenge. I guess I'll start my other blog with that.
Yes, I'm starting another blog. I can't keep giving potential employers my Chinese blog that I last updated in December, and I certainly don't want to give them my personal blog unless I have to. And since I want to write for a living the blog might as well be about writing. And I'll end it with the completion of my novel. Or maybe I'll continue it until the novel is published. Or maybe I'll just keep it going. The last one sounds promising, I mean, this way I have to keep track of only one blog.
First things first. I need to start writing!