Sorry it's been so long but I've been out of school. I've noticed everything that drives me up the wall has to do with school. At least for the most part.
Today's observation has to do with how a couple of bad choices can lead to a hole that seems incapable to get out of. I'm not talking about drugs or alcohol- that's entirely too obvious- I'm talking about not studying or not doing homework or not finishing a personal project. In high school I decided I made these decisions because I didn't care and no one else seemed to care enough to interfere. Now that I do care about how I do in classes I've decided this has led to bad habits. Even though I honestly want to do well in school I'm still making the same decisions I used to and hating myself for it. And because I'm still making bad decisions and have seemingly no self-discipline or enough self-motivation to get me to make better ones I foresee a very disappointing life ahead of me.
And to top things off I find myself blaming my parents which makes me sound like any teen in any stupid soap opera drama teen show. But I keep coming back to the fact that these bad habits have been around since my elementary school days when one of my teachers should have informed one of my parents that I was not on the road to success. I know this was at least acknowledged in middle school when my mom made me drop out of dance. There were actions taken sure, I had to write all my homework down in an agenda and have it signed by teachers, and yet my bad habits remained. Add to this the adults in my family (probably adults at school as well) knew I had issues and still watched me make one bad decision after another. Aren't parents supposed to be your guardians? As in, they watch you and guide you to making better decisions? My mom put my sister in the Sylvan learning center because of her bad grades- what about me? I had freakin' straights Fs in middle school hence I was forced to leave dance but that didn't teach me how to make better decisions.
The worse thing is I can sit here and be mad and blame whoever I want for being behind in this department but that doesn't help me now. What do I do now realizing I need to change my habits in order to succeed? I already see a therapist and have been seeing one for years. I have only just been able to acknowledge my bad habits of not studying, not doing homework are an issue in school and my inability to finish personal projects means this will be an issue for all aspects of my life. I'm pretty sure Sylvan and other student help centers work for students up to 18 years old which leaves me out. I can only think of therapy but I'm not sure that will work. I feel like I need to be sat down and forced to do something day in and day out and checked on until it becomes a habit to do whatever it is I need to start doing. Then again, what do I know? All I know is constantly making bad decisions for instant gratification isn't taking me to where I want to go and yet I find myself continuing to do so and hating myself for it later.
What a sad observation.
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